Panic in the Emergency Room!
by Marthmellow
Summary: Rufus always dreamed of being a doctor, but instead he decides to own a hospital. He hires an unlikely crew. Cloud and Vincent as nurses? Sephiroth as a surgeon? Reno and Rude at the front desk? What's this world coming to? Slight shonen ai later on.
1. Chapter 1

**Panic in the Emergency Room**

**Note:** The events in this fanfic are in no way related to the events of FF7. This fanfic was made from extreme boredom and exposure to two pictures with Sephiroth, Vincent, and Cloud dressed up as doctors/nurses. Some slight shonen-ai will be in the future chapters, but there will be no yaoi.

**Panic in the Emergency Room: Prologue**

_Before I became the President of Shinra, I've always wanted to become a doctor. However, my dad prevented me from doing so, and I'm glad that bastard's dead. Now that I'm the president of the Shinra Company, I can do anything I want, but…_

"Sir!" an office worker called, carrying an unusually high amount of paperwork. "Here's the notes and guidelines and rules and contracts and bills and…"

_I'm stuck here with all this paperwork._

As the office worker goes on, Rufus stops writing and looks at all the paperwork piled on his desk, under his desk, over his desk, in his desk, on the sides of his desk, in front of his desk, and in the back of his desk. The office worker is done talking and deposits the ceiling-high paperwork in front of him. The office worker leaves and closes the door. Rufus watches the stack of paperwork cautiously. It sways a little, but it doesn't look like it'll tip over. He sighs and continues writing.

_I wish I could be a doctor, but I can't find the time to do that. I'm already so busy and into my job as president of Shinra._

"YO, WASSUP MR. PRESIDENTE?" screamed Reno as he burst through the window and collapsed on the floor. Glass scattered on the floor. Rufus jumped from the sudden outburst, and held the stack of papers to keep them from falling. The door opened and Tseng, Rude, and Elena rushed in. "Mr. President! Are you okay?" asked Tseng. "Yeah, I'm okay, but what about Reno?" Rufus replied. Rude helped Reno up. "He's been drinking again." Said Elena. "Was too!" retorted Reno in a drunken voice.

_Ten minutes ago…_

The Turks were holding a meeting. Reno got up. "Yo, I've..got, like…something Top Secret to show to the president. How do you get up to his, uh, work office again?" he asked Tseng. The three eyed him strangely.

"Well, you take the elevator-"

"Elevators are for squares!"

"…You take the stairs-"

"They're for men!"

"The vent?"

"They're for the elephants in the courtyard!"

"Reno, are you oka-"

"Screw you guys, then. I'm gonna go take the roof."

Reno left the room.

Elena looked at Tseng. "What does he mean by 'take the roof'?" she asked. Tseng shrugged. A few seconds of silence passed, and then they all heard Reno shout from somewhere on the roof. The three Turks got up in alarm.

"I AM MEATMAN, HEAR ME WATCH!"

"That idiot…!"

"Is he gonna jump off the roof?"

"He's not THAT stupid."

"True, but…"

Tseng and Elena looked at the normally-quiet Rude. "…He got drunk at a bar before we came to the meeting. I tried to stop him, but…" Rude stopped talking. Five seconds of awkward silence passed. "MEATMAN!" Reno shouted as he passed the room the Turks were in. Tseng opened the window and looked down at the falling Reno. "YOU IDIOT!" Tseng shouted at him. "Whoops, gotta stop!" Reno shouted back. He grabbed onto a ledge and crashed through the window of one of the rooms. Tseng, Elena, and Rude knew where that room was, and hurried there.

_Now…_

"Well, y'know…I could've taken the door, but it was open." Reno said, giving a drunken smile. Tseng, Elena, and Rude sweatdropped. "So, what did you want to show me?" asked Rufus. "Wha? Oh, right!" said Reno. He dug into his inner coat pocket and pulled out a newspaper. He opened it up. "Let's see…now where was it...?" Something caught the eye of Rufus on the front page.

"Hey, let me see that!"

"Now wait, hold your ducks. Dah dah dah…oh, yeah…here. It's this advertisement for soap. You smell good and all and I think you need this-"

Rufus snatched the paper away from Reno and looked at the front page. "Hey, there's a hospital for sale!" exclaimed Rufus. "It went on sale after the owner retired. The doctors, nurses, and workers of that hospital were all fired and left for other towns." Explained Tseng. "Heyyyy, are you gonna buy that shack and fill it up with people?" asked Reno. Rufus's eye twitched a little. "THAT'S IT!" Rufus shouted.

The stack of papers swayed warningly and collapsed on him.

_A few days later…_

_I decided to buy the old hospital – I didn't have the time to become a doctor, so instead I'll just own a hospital. It's less work. After buying the hospital and having the people redecorate it, I interviewed some people who were interested in working there. Tseng was right. All the doctors that originally worked in the hospital left Midgar. The interviews went great…I think._

"Tell me who you are, where you are from, and why you want to work here." Rufus said.

"My name is Cloud Strife. I'm from Nibelheim, and I want to work here because I want to help people and raise my self-esteem and become famous."

"My full name is Sephiroth Soontoberuleroftheuniverse. But most people call me Sephiroth. I came from up north, and I want to work here because I want to help people die-erm…live healthy lives."

"I am called Vincent Valentine. I can't say where I'm from, and I come here looking for a purpose in life. And I also need money to buy several new guns and some upgrades so I can shoot that rooster that's been waking me up in the morning."

"The name's Reno. My house is in Midgar, and I have to work here because I need to pay off that really really expensive window I broke in your office."

"Rude. I'm from Midgar. I have to work here because if I don't, Reno won't stop pestering me to join him."

"Hi, my name's Tseng. I'm from Midgar. You offered me a job as your assistant, and I'm taking it."

"I'm Cid Highwind. I'm from Rocket #!$in Town, and I want to work here because I need the money to fix the $#&in damage that $!#in Sherra caused.

"I'm Cait Sith, but my real name is Reeve. I couldn't make it there today, so I'm communicating through Cait, here. I live in Midgar and I want to work here as well because I took medical school before, and I think I should put my skills to the test!"

"I'm Mary Sue! I'm from a different dimension and since I heard that the authoress won't be putting any of the female FF7 characters in the hospital, I want to work here because I hope that all of the workers will fall in love with me and shower me with gifts and hugs and Hershey kisses!"

"AAAHHHHH RUFUSS! OMG, L1K3, RUFIE! IM, LKE, UR BIGEST FAN!11"

"I'm the Muffin Man, and I live on Drury Lane! I want to serve people and make them happy!"

"I'm hungry."

"I AM YOUR FATHER."

_Um…yeah. Those were the interviewees. I've hired Sephiroth as the surgeon, Cid as a doctor, Cloud and Vincent as nurses, Reno and Rude as the people who work at the front desk, Tseng as a doctor and my assistant, and Cait Sith as a decorative item on the front desk. When Reeve comes, then he's a doctor. Mary Sue sounded annoying, so I rejected her. I rejected that crazed fangirl immediately, as soon as she screamed my name. I was going to hire the Muffin Man, but then he asked me if this was a bakery. I said no, and he said that he didn't want the job anymore. Hungry made off with my sandwich before he could tell me anything else. As for the "I AM YOUR FATHER"-guy…no comment. Rejected him._

"Alright, people! Tomorrow's day one of the Shinra Inc. Hospital, so do your best!"

"BANZAI!"

_Banzai? What the hell's a Banzai? Is it that plant? Oh well. I hope everything goes okay tomorrow._

_-Rufus Shinra_


	2. The First Day

Yeah, I'm still alive.

Don't read it you don't like stuff that suggest yaoi (it's not).

And also, prepare for some OOC-ness…

**Chapter 1: The First Day**

_In one of the hospital's check-up rooms…_

Cloud observed the various tools on the table. His eyes rested on a needle. "So…I'm supposed to prick them with these?" he asked Vincent, who was looking at a box of plastic cups. "You're supposed to take blood samples." He replied.

"But won't that hurt?"

"It will."

"But, but…we're a hospital! We're supposed to be helping people get better, not hurting them!"

Vincent sweatdropped. "You have a very interesting way of thinking…" he said, patting Cloud on the head. Vincent felt something sharp push into his skin and stopped patting. He looked at his glove and saw small holes in them. Before Vincent could say anything to Cloud, Cloud said, "Yes, my hair's that spiky." There was a short pause. "Okay. If you don't want to 'hurt' people, then you can take urine samples instead. I'll take the blood samples." Vincent said, removing and replacing his glove with a new one. "Okay!" Cloud replied, but then paused. "Um, Vincent?"

"Yeah?"

"What's urine?"

"..."

_At the front desk…_

"Ahh, I'm bored." Reno said. "It's only been two minutes since we've opened." Replied Rude. "I know, but…" Reno said. He laid his head on the table. "I'm BOOOORRRRREEEDDDDD. It's a good thing I'm only doing this until I get a call from Rufus. Man, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I CANNOT wait until we get another job. Kidnapping, assassination, whatever! Out of all the jobs, why do I have to get stuck with this one? I mean, I wouldn't mind being a doctor. You can actually touch those girls while you're…Rude, are you listening?" Reno looked at Rude and found him sleeping on some papers. "Looks like you're bored too." He said. Reno laid his head on the desk again and looked at a cup of pens in the corner. He suddenly got an idea and picked up a permanent marker from the cup…

_In the hallway…_

"So, Mr. Soontoberuleroftheuniverse-"

"Call me Sephiroth."

"Right, Sephiroth." Said Rufus, holding some papers. He pushed open the two doors in front of him. "This'll be the room you'll be performing surgery in-" Rufus stopped as soon as he saw the walls of the room. His mouth was wide open and he dropped his papers. The wallpaper had little yellow ducks and red hearts on a pink background. Sephiroth stared at the wall as well. The doors opened and Tseng came running in. "Sir, the children's waiting room walls are-" He stopped as well. "…black with skull-and-crossbones..." A minute of silence passed, and Sephiroth smirked. "I think it's perfect!" he stated, clapping his hands. "It'll increase the amount of torture that I'll put on my victims. Staring at pink walls while getting their skin cut open, then screaming in agony…ah, the life." He added in thought. Rufus, silent, turned around and walked away. "Uh…sir?" Tseng called, following behind. Sephiroth stayed behind to admire the walls.

_Back at the front desk…_

Reno had fallen asleep along with Rude. Rufus came barging in, angry as a kitty who took an involuntary bath.

"REEENNOOOO!!!"

Rude, whose back was towards the counter due to his rolling office chair, instantly woke up and sat up straight.

"SIR!"

"...uh…Rude?"

Rufus looked at the back of Rude's head and sweatdropped. Somebody (Yeah, SOMEBODY…wink wink, nudge nudge) with extremely poor drawing abilities that would make a kindergartener's work look superior had drawn a smiley face on the back of his head…in permanent marker. The smiley face had little arms sticking out and scribbles around it.

"Erm…never mind. Wake up Reno."

Rude shook Reno a few times. Reno replied by slapping his hand away and mumbling,

"Nooo…don't lick it, Rufus..."

"Uh…"

Reno groaned.

"Stop…please, I can't take it anymore. You're not doing it right."

Drops of sweat appeared on Reno's forehead.

"Stop licking! Shove it in your mouth already. It'll taste better that way."

Reno made a small sound and a small smile. Rufus and Rude stared at Reno, wondering what he was dreaming about.

"That's better. See? Doesn't it taste good? Of course it does because…"

The two moved their faces closer to Reno's, to hear what he was going to say next. "I'm gonna kill him if he's dreaming about me in _that_ way," thought Rufus. There was silence, then Reno said,

"...Cotton candy tastes better if you're eating it, not licking it." (...What, were you expecting something else?)

The two did an anime fall, then got back up and shook Reno awake. "I'M AWAKE I'M AWAKE I'M AWAKE!!!" shouted a dazed Reno. "Reno, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TELL THE GUYS THAT PAINTED THE WALLS?! You gave them the right color number, right?! RIGHT?!" Rufus asked, still shaking Reno. Reno opened up a drawer (while still being shook by Rufus) and took out a rather large, rolled-up paper that had the diagrams of the building. He unrolled it and pointed at the drawn box that was the surgery room. "See? 1O6OT." Rufus bent over to look at it, then felt part of himself die.

"..."

"Well?"

"...Reno…do you know how to write?"

"Why?"

"I can't read a freakin' thing written on this! The only things that are easy to read are the outlines of the boxes!" And they weren't even letters or numbers.

Rufus looked at the scribbles on the other boxes. They were almost illegible; it was a miracle these people got the colors right, except for the surgeon room and the children's waiting room. He was about to go for Reno's neck, but Tseng, who had finally caught up to Rufus, managed to hold him back. "Just…tolerate…him…for a little…longer…" Tseng said as Rufus slowly calmed down. When he was fully calmed down, he let go of him, looking at Reno with an angry face. "You do realize that the guys who painted our walls are currently on vacation," he said. Tseng was about to say some more words on the matter, but something caught the corner of his eye as Rude turned around to put some stray papers away.

"Huh…what's that?"

He had noticed the picture on Rude's head, and brought his face closer to look at it. Rufus had done the same.

"Is that a moogle?" Asked Tseng.

"No, no…it's a cactuar." Replied Rufus.

"Nah, it looks like a moogle."

"Tonberry."

"It's a moogle."

"If you look at it from this angle, you can see a carbuncle."

"Moogle."

"Is a moogle all you can think about? You're boring…"

"What the hell, it's so obvious what it is!" Reno interrupted the two while holding Rude still so he could point at the back of his head. "What the-Reno! Let go of me! What are you guys talking about?!" Rude asked in a loud voice. "It's a chocobo." Reno said. Rufus and Tseng looked at the back of Rude's head again, then glared at Reno. They were about to say something more on the matter, but then Cloud burst in, holding papers with Cid following behind. The three Turks and their boss turned to look at them. Reno spoke to Cloud.

"Hey Cloud. Cid. Where's Vincent?"

"He went to go check on the supplies in the surgery room. Oh, nice chocobo!"

"FINALLY, SOMEONE NOTICES IT!"

"CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HECK EVERYONE'S TRYING TO NAME?!" Rufus shouted, while still being held still by Reno. Ignoring Rude's outburst, Rufus spoke to the two that entered. "What are you two doing here?" he asked. Cid huffed.

"Tell this midget-"

"HEY!"

"Fine…tell this _kid_ that I can $!#&ing smoke whenever I #&$!ing want!"

Rufus sweatdropped. "You can't smoke, Cid. You'll only get the patients sicker, and you're not getting paid to make them sicker." Cid grumbled and stomped off, mumbling about how, for the first time in his life since he was ten, he wasn't going to smoke. Cloud gave the paper he was holding to Rufus. "Look, we got a patient already!" he said. "He came to Vincent while you guys were fighting and shouting in here, and Vincent wanted me to give this to you." Rufus looked over the paper before saying, "We should relay this to Sephiroth," and walked down the hallway with Tseng and Cloud following.

_Somewhere not-so-far away…in a little place with pink-and-duck-and-heart walls…_

Vincent didn't know how he got himself into this mess; he was now strapped to the operating table, and it was positioned in a way so that it stood upright, leaning back a little. The silver-haired surgeon walked around him in circles, like a wolf circling its prey. Vincent gave him a release-me-now-or-die look that was mixed with nervousness. Sephiroth stopped in front of him, and looked at him straight in the eye, smirking. The insane man was not sated; he couldn't wait.

"Let's do some roleplaying, shall we?"

"I-I'd rather not-"

"You can be the damsel in distress and I can be the mad scientist that cuts you open torturing-slow!"

Sephiroth took out Masamune.

"Don't worry…this'll hurt me more than it does you…well, not really. It sounds cool to add, even though I don't mean it like most people when they say it themselves. Does it make me sound cool?"

"...crap." Vincent muttered, wide-eyed at the advancing Sephiroth.

_A minute or two later…_

Rufus burst open through the doors of the surgery room, not looking up at first.

"Sephiroth, I'm sorry to say this, but the room won't be repainted for a while and-WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!"

Rufus, Tseng, and Cloud stood there, mouth agape at the sight. Sephiroth had cut parts of Vincent's uniform off and was holding a rather large, extremely sharp, metallic object in front of his face. The flat part of the Masamune's blade was pressed against his mouth. Vincent turned weakly to look at them. Sephiroth hadn't done anything to him, but he looked scared to death right now.

"H-Halp m-meh…" he begged, the blade still in his mouth.

"SEPHIROTH! I DON'T PAY YOU TO RAPE PEOPLE!" Rufus shouted.

"You haven't paid me yet. Besides, I wasn't raping him. We were just testing out the new equipment…right, Vincent?" Sephiroth flashed him a warning look before he could reply, and Vincent adhered to it. Normally he wasn't like this, but hey…if you were a normally-quiet person like him and you were forced into a position that would kill you slowly and painfully, you wouldn't hesitate to be this scared. "Y-Yes..." he managed to say. Sephiroth released him from the table and Vincent jetted out of the room, to get as far away from the psycho as possible.

Rufus sighed as he felt a headache come onto him. He glared slightly at Sephiroth. "If that happens again-"

"Won't happen again."

"That better be true. Anyways, I came to tell you that we have our first patient coming in tomorrow. His first name is Zack Fair."


End file.
